( She's nothing more than fiction )

I hate it when muses come and go, wax and wane... I know that's how it's supposed to be, but if I could ever gather my thoughts long enough....*sighs*.... Ryan's writing. My mother is writing. Both Ryan AND my mother, whom are probably not the most objective, have seen past fanfictions,fictions, poetry, musings and don't doubt my talent. I've never doubted it, but I'm so steeped into concentrating on reality that when I go off into my own head I'd rather enjoy it than have it hit the page. Writing would release so much out of me I probably wouldn't be so tense.....ok... I'd be less tense cause no tension is impossible for me. When I was younger that was what one of my goals was...to write a book. I don't care if it was just poetry as I know maybe my attention span could never stand it long enough to handle prose, but a book. I give Ryan a lot of shit sometimes for still persuing it, cause he's nuts, but in all reality a part of me is even mildly jealous of his rejection letters because I hadn't even tried and I have so much inside... 

  ( vodka and grenadine )

 So let's see.....

1. My period came a shit-ton early caused by a plan B pill I shouldn't have even bothered purchasing, but was too paranoid not to cause I lost 3 months worth of pills
2. I've found another small, yet irritating hoop to jump threw at work that disrupts traffic flow of all the food coming down, but somehow got used to it as I do everything else that continues to annoy me because I do love my job
3. Ryan and I wake up yesterday morning and the back windshield shattered into a gazillion pieces, us both having a weird sense of humour laughed about this in spite of going 145 in the hole....I only paid half...it WAS awfully pretty til we moved as it wasn't vandalism, but science at work....like pieces of crystal really; heating up the car did it.
4. I finally caved and gave Ryan 1 of 3 of his 'house' shirts (he LOVED it, it was the most famous one, 'Bluesplash'; the one from 'Humpty Dumpty').....the other two are gonna come on the 8th and actual v-day. Giving makes me happy....it was the day point #2 was driving me nuts
5. Watched house lastnight... PREVIEW FOR THE CUDDY EPISODE ALL BUT MADE ME PASS OUT ...my god I love that woman...and the girl who plays her. Laugh at my fan-girl gasms all you want to everybody needs some hobbies, oogling her is one of mine.
6. Trying to ignore the fact that one of Ryan and I's bestfriends is gonna make a stupid decision in consideration of his love-life, which we can't stop....

Needless to say things have been entertaing lately, so much so I haven't been writing so much as experiencing....here's to another few weeks of crazyiness.

   ( You'd stumble in my foot-steps, keep the same appointments I kept )

  ( I WARNED you *snips tie* )

 ( Lull )

 Just found out I'm NOT going to be an aunt. I've been on pins and needles about this since Wednesday night. The last thing I'd need was my prescription drug addict bro to have a child while he's trying to get his life back on track and using that as the reason why not that it shouldn't be a reason why, but it shouldn't be HIS reason why. Some people can barely keep track of themselves let alone another human being... this is such a blessing to hear. Besides....while I wasn't jealous I'd still want the first grand-babies coming out to be mine AFTER Ryan and I have gotton married a good 5 years from now like it's 'supposed to be'....not because my bro knocked some chick up whose 'madly in love with him'...*rollseyes*...
 

  ( I find everything I thought I lost before You call my name, I come to you in pieces So you can make me whole  )

( ....it's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for....' )

( I'm gonna say this once more so I instill it....I Want you....I know I'm gonna feel this way until you KILL it. )

  I'm usually not one to care in fact most the time I'm quite indifferent and that's what becomes the problem. I've already made it habitual to isolate myself from even my nearest and dearest at times (Kelly I love you, this is why you're, and will remain, so close, because you accept me for this and THAT is friendship) so when it comes to people just beyond acquaintance and just before the realm of friend it becomes tricky. Let's just say it was an experiment it might not have happened today, hell it might have been the first few rounds, but I notice my total...like an idiot I realize I shouldn't....I'm not some butterfly collector, but it comes down to the self-involved outlook that if I was de-friended then *I* must be defective. Well until today I wasn't even able to register one (I've looked half-assed, but not to the extent I did today) and I finally found 1 that did it. It's sick....you don't go looking for things you truly don't want answers to, but I'm perpetually curious in my own ways and when it comes to socializing I was intrigued. So I found out who it was, poked em, left it at that. I could say all I want to that I'd had it coming constantly swatting the person away like a fly trying to befriend me in the more formal way, face to face, but the truth is I barely even keep the people I would register immediately had defriended me that luxery because I'm pretty self-serving in the fashion I do what I want when I want and that's to do pretty much near nothing after work besides relax.
  I did though. I remember post after post being asked what I was doing on such a such a day making up excuses. I'm not a hypocrite, but I also not that the people that are truly friends don't really demand your time, even in a round about way, that they get it anyways, which is the point.. it's what makes a person less than a friend and more than that mere acquaintance. The one you have had some really, REALLY fucking good times with, but at the end of the day couldn't justify getting together week after week or every two for a beer. And it's sad, but it's realistic, but I don't boot people out of my orbit just because stars don't immediately converge and I think it's redundent to do otherwise. Networking is networking....it shouldn't be shallow, but people shouldn't be so fucking sensitive either. She would have been better off by not doing a damn thing about moving me and prove that I didn't matter because all she did was prove the opposite by being spiteful. I don't piss rainbows and butterflies this is the way it works. I think to think otherwise isn't idealism it's delusion. Taking into consideration that certain networking sites are all numbers and you don't see near as many of those people as you would in a perfect world on a regular basis, again, can't help, but wonder why I got the ax. I was attentive enough to tell mostly the truth and never cruel enough to tell her to piss off because that's never what I wanted..again, another middle ground. People don't like middleground....well....most people are idiots.

 But loose

I continue to find the irony in things that can not be named.1 of the big questions in life always hinges on complacency. The staff coordinator asked me if I signed up for classes to become a CNA. I told her what I said last time that I was thinking about it and then went back into my own head thinking about other things that would pertain to it if it'd ever happen. I don't think there's anything really wrong in liking the way things are though I know things will change. Things change on their own enough that I don't have to worry becoming stuck in the mud, but whenever it comes to being proactive about something like that when there's other things in emotional transitions and things go by so fast on their own because I'm focused on short term goals, saving for long-term, thinking about vacation....already California Dreamin', sorta speak,  I'm kinda taken aback about the idea of throwing school, no matter how short a span it would be, into the mix. I'm insanely loyal to the insanity of the dishroom. I never consider myself on the bottom of the totem because I realize I'm needed and it's not that I wouldn't be elsewhere, but still... you can throw it down to 'big fish in a lil pond' OR 'lil fish in a big pond' all you want to, but the reality is that part of me thinks I should stay stationary as part as the irreplaceable building blocks of that department... not just that things run smoother down there, but so that, THAT extends elsewhere. All these castles in the sky promised to the residents are built at the foundation of the care....foundations at the bottom... the bottom IS a dietary aid. I don't think I'm saying all this just to make myself feel better... I may actually have a point. Anyhow, as usual, we'll see. I'm so comfortable there's no rush....they couldn't make me if they wanted to. There's something to be said about comfort....and I know that's not just bullshit coming from the bull. Routine or not I continue to be alive with the possibilities. I'm not bored, hell I could entertain myself for hours. Everyone convinces me I'll be bored....well that will be then.

  I can't even remember the last time I wrote two days in a row. Look what happens when you make everything all pretty and delete a few choice things from the past....The original title to this was gonna be 'and god said.. on the third day they'll be PERRIWINKLE (my lj theme color) but I let it go, albeit it in spite of myself. I can tell already that I'm already more energized this year than I was last when I can find the time to dink around with this thing, but more than anything I believe it was motivated by wanting to cultivate some writing again. I miss being driven in the way by all my muses and I feel so fucking selfish at the fact that I keep so much inside my head. I need to let loose, it's not like I'd forgotton how I'm just a very self-controled person and I don't think there's anything wrong with that because by the time it does come out it's always needed.
  Now onto the title of the post...really hankering for some good over-emotional hormones to come my way cause the PMSy, overtly cold, bitchy, at times snobbish thing isn't doing it for me right now...especially when Ryan and I have off tomorrow together....when I get like this I get paranoid that he'll become an easy target. Course I think a lot of the previous endorphins were obviously prompted by the holiday... so much going on.. so much exposure to other people and different situations, gift-giving, social niceities and vuela .. the year's turned and we're back to defcon 1 where I have the potential, just as anyone else, to spat and be spat on by the ones I love. Psychologically interesting.. the holiday come-down, but I don't want to fall victim to it either....I already wish it was Spring... near my birthday... near Ryan and I's anny is...where everything great happens. I can't blame the weather for being cold, but I can blame me....I need to chill the hell out.

If you had me alone, locked up in your house for twenty-four hours and I had to do whatever you wanted me to, what would you have me do?

All comments will be permanently screened because it's a secret. Then repost this in your LJ. You might be surprised with the responses you get.

Just read the "offenses" and if you've done it, you owe that fine. Keep going until you've read each "offense" and added up your total fine.

When you are done post this as "My fine is $........"

You don't have to confess your answers, just the amount of your fine.

Offenses:
Smoked pot -- $10
Did acid -- $5
Ever had sex at church -- $25
Woke up in the morning and did not know the person who was next to you -- $40
Had sex with someone on MySpace -- $25
Had sex for money -- $100
Ever had sex with a Puerto Rican -- $20
Vandalized something -- $20
Had sex on your parents' bed -- $10
Beat up someone -- $20
Been jumped -- $10
Cross dressed -- $10
Given money to stripper -- $25
Been in love with a stripper -- $20
Kissed someone who's name you didn't know -- $0.10
Hit on some one of the same sex while at work -- $15
Ever drive and drank -- $20
Ever got drunk at work, or went to work while still drunk -- $50
Used toys while having sex -- $30
Got drunk, passed out and don't remember the night before -- $20
Went skinny dipping -- $5
Had sex in a pool -- $20
Kissed someone of the same sex -- $10
Had sex with someone of the same sex -- $20
Cheated on your significant other -- $10
Masturbated -- $10
Cheated on your significant other with their relative or close friend -- $20
Done oral -- $5
Got oral -- $5
Done / got oral in a car while it was moving -- $25
Stole something -- $10
Had sex with someone in jail -- $25
Made a nasty home video -- $15
Had a threesome -- $50
Had sex in the wild -- $20
Been in the same room while someone was having sex --$25
Stole something worth over more than a hundred dollars-- $20
Had sex with someone 10 years older -- $20
Had sex with someone under 21 and you are over 27 --$25
Been in love with two people or more at the same time-- $50
Said you love someone but didn't mean it -- $25
Went streaking -- $5
Went streaking in broad daylight -- $15
Been arrested -- $5
Spent time in jail -- $15
Peed in the pool -- $0.50
Played spin the bottle -- $5
Done something you regret -- $20
Had sex with your best friend -- $20
Had sex with someone you work with at work -- $25
Had anal sex -- $80
Lied to your mate -- $5
Lied to your mate about the sex being good -- $25

Tally it up and Title it..."My Fine Is..." copy and paste, then repost it in your journal too.

It's easy to presume it's easy for me priding myself on taste...this isn't me being superficial or naive in fact some of it's astrologically driven as Taurus is the most well-aware of beauty in the zodiac thanks to the motto "I Have". The commentary altogether wouldn't even have been brought up had someone not gone and called me ( or anyone else) a sheep for enjoying Lady GaGa. But it's reminded me that a seething dislike of something is every bit as much a trend as NOT liking something. Sheep can be herded one way or the other and one of the true tests of your genuine liking of something is not having it tested via society, but internally against yourself.
Initially I was hard-pressed to take Lady Gaga seriously. I truly thought, first glance, it was pretencious. Having had a crush on the material girl back in the day I passed her off as nothing more than a Madonna wanna-be.... that was until I couldn't get 'Poker Face' out of my head; THEN it became a problem later after I discovered she wasn't a two trick pony with 'Just Dance' and 'Poker Face'...that my favorites actually had left to be discovered in the likes of 'Dance in the Dark', 'Again, and Again', and 'Like It Rough'.
I actually LOVE pop, amongest other things, but I do. People can dislike a persona all they'd like, but I find it trite as again, THAT becomes trendy, and they're missing the point of what music is all about....the music. If they genuinely dislike the way it sounds, more power to them, but I become increasingly un-easy when people who think they're 'hard-core' dislike something cause it's soft, corky, or anything else opposing it; THAT makes one a sheep. At the end of the day people like what they like, that's fine, but the projection of the word sheep is absolutely inate and, to a degree, implies fear of actually liking it.

On a side note I can actually relate this to my love-life, but this is another post altogether...lol... Shakespeare said it best 'doth protest too much'. It's no wonder we hate what we love and love what we hate...indifference is the true enemy to anything.

I never had any doubt and I'd always had some sort of Faith I could never pin-point. I'm a deeply spiritual person, regardless of whether or not I'd never gave it a name...well, I usually just say god without trying to be specific.. POINT being I'd like for someone to tell me, after everything I'd experienced, that life is *Just* (cause I'm not saying it isn't part of the time or that choice isn't involved... because it all is a crazy mish-mash) random. Here I was supposed to have the day off at work, and having these weird feelings yesterday about my relative (allbeit slightly distant, but relation none-the-less) and his health and all this family is in town for really no other reason but to just 'visit' and said relative passes away this morning... someone, TELL ME HOW.. TELL ME HOW you think that's random, that is FATE. That is GRACE and all of thee above and any number of things that people on a regular day to day basis.. for the most part, sit and shrug their heads at. Sit and scoff as if they don't altogether realize how precious life is.

(IN LOVE WITH THIS SONG!)

 So sentimental
Not sentimental no !
Romantic not disgusting yet
Darling I’m down and lonely
When with the fortunate only
I’ve been looking for something else
Do let do let do let jugulate do let do let do
Let’s go slowly, discouraged,
Distant from other interests
On your favorite weekend ending
This love’s for gentlemen only
That’s with the fortunate only
No I gotta be someone else
These days it comes it comes it comes it comes it comes and goes

Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot, like a riot, oh !
I’m not easily offended
It’s not hard to let it go
From a mess to the masses

Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot, like a riot, oh !
I’m not easily offended
It’s not hard to let it go
From a mess to the masses

Follow, misguide, stand still
Disgust, discourage
On this precious weekend ending
This love’s for gentlemen only
Wealthiest gentlemen only
And now that you’re lonely
Do let do let do let jugulate do let do let do

Let’s go slowly, discouraged,
We’ll burn the pictures instead
When it’s all over we can barely discuss
For one minute only
Not with the fortunate only
Thought it could have been something else
These days it comes it comes it comes it comes it comes and goes

Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot, like a riot, Oh !
I’m not easily offended
It’s not hard to let it go
From a mess to the masses

Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot, like a riot, Oh !
I’m not easily offended
It’s not hard to let it go
From a mess to the masses